People Remember When You Make Them Feel Safe

The most important thing we look for in any interaction is safety. When you meet someone new, it is in that safe feeling that the person tends to instinctually open up to you, trust you and rely on your judgements and decisions. That’s the feeling that makes you memorable. But if you make the new person feel unheard, unacknowledged, intimidated or disrespected then its natural to assume, they will not remember you favorably.

‘Safe’ does not mean keeping things bland, neutral or being a people pleaser. It means having a kind of physical and emotional presence where the other is relaxed and comfortable to open up to.

Social rejection scenario

Imagine you’re standing on the periphery of a bustling networking room, sipping your tea during break time. You notice someone walking towards you.

“Hi, I’m Rohit”, he says, as he sticks his hand out for a handshake. You sense he is not very confident. You have already made your mind up that you prefer talking to the confident leadership folk, huddled together at the other corner of the room.

You bring your hand up and offer a loosely held handshake to Rohit. You say nothing while your eyes are busy scanning the huddled leaders group. You are not interested in Rohit. You barely acknowledge him. Within seconds, your body language is ready to exit the interaction. You mumble “Sorry. Let me catch you later”, and walk off.

What you missed out on is that Rohit was also a leader — a reserved one — of new startup. He was the kind of person who had to step outside his comfort zone when he approached you.

Because of this he won’t favorably remember you. Or not remember you at all.

Here’s what you could have done differently in that scenario with Rohit:

• Acknowledged Rohit with eye contact

• Given a firmer handshake

• Smiled and mentioned your name

• Asked him curiously about his work

• Suggested they catch up again before leaving that interaction

Even if you wanted go to the leaders’ group and cut short this interaction with Rohit, irrespective, Rohit would’ve felt heard and seen and he’d would’ve remembered you favorably.

There are two kinds of safety in social interactions:

1. Physical safety

This deals with physical size and body language. Someone of a smaller size might feel intimidated in the presence of someone of a larger size. Similarly, someone who carries an aggressive or dominant body language is likely to make the other person feel nervous in their presence.

2. Emotional safety

The stress of dealing with interactions where the other person is a bad listener, gets emotional too easily, is distracted, makes fun of you disrespectfully, is showing a need to sell you something or get something from you, is unable to read your non-verbal signals, etc. — all contribute to making you feel emotionally unsafe.

So how to make interactions feel safe

It is a mix of character and behavior skills which makes you a safe person to talk to:

• Being relaxed - mentally and physically

• Acknowledging the other person

• Refraining from imposing your opinions or personal judgements

• Refraining from trying to impress the other person

• Being a good listener

• Mirroring energy (if they are reserved, you become gentler)

• Being confidently upfront (Not beating around the bush)

We know someone feels ‘safe’ talking to us in 3 ways:

• Their body language relaxes (They smile more, hold eye contact, hands are open)

• They share more (Opens up easily about themselves)

• Try to stay in touch (Ask for number, enquire about you / interests, etc.)

In conclusion

You are impressionable on others when you initiate conversations. If you want to build a steady relation with that person, your best bet is to strive to make the interaction feel safe.

Lastly, there’s a sweet balance in being able to convey yourself firmly, while making the other person feel safe. This balance is where you foster respect and comfort, and make yourself stand out from every other person they talk to.