All posts authored by Nasir Engineer, the Founder of Talk to Anyone
The right prompts.
People have so many untold stories.
They are lying underneath.
Waiting to be told.
Waiting to be written.
Waiting for the right prompts.
Those prompts will come from you.
When you are genuinely curious.
When you actively listen.
When you actively listen.
When you make them feel heard.
That happens by being socially skilled.
Each person gets seen and heard.
Including you.
Self rejections are selfish.
You play a story out in your head each time you doubt yourself from talking to someone new. Unfortunately, it's a depressing story.
The kind that says:
That person is going to forget about me.
I’m a nobody. Why would they talk to me?
I’m not interesting.
Those are all the scenarios playing in your head preventing you from actually talking to the person.
Its helping you save yourself from a rejection. Which is fine. We all do go through this every now and then.
But what if you stopped being selfish? Stopped making it about yourself? But made it about the other person.
Your statements would then shift:
Maybe I'M not interesting but I could find THAT person interesting.
That person may forget about me but let me find out why I’m drawn to them.
I may be a nobody but this person will still feel validated by me.
So switch it up. Give those self-rejections a positive spin. Stop making it about you.
This approach can apply to any aspect of life.
Risky without whisky.
I need to down a few drinks first.. hehehe
I swear, if I gave a nickel for the number of times I’ve heard people say this, I’d be living on the streets.
Go talk to them.
Nah. Haven’t drunk enough.
Go dance.
Not feeling the buzz yet.
Seriously, that buzzed state of mind is such a crutch.
The ability to engage with a lively presence, to speak with whatever is your earnest levels of confidence..
..and most importantly, to have no shield and bare yourself with all your might to the world, is fucking amazing.
Yes, it's going to be a 𝘳𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦. But be thankful that your mumma - Mrs. 𝘔𝘤𝘋𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭’𝘴 𝘕𝘰.1 won’t be there to hold your hand. Because it’s time to become a big boy (or girl).
Walk up and talk to people, dance, sing whatever you want to do without the buzz, as much as you can.
Take the risk. It’ll be real. And reality is a damn good place to be in.
The lingering exit.
Maybe you are at a networking event, having a great conversation with someone who is well recognized. Its going so well, you are sure the person will remember the interaction and you'll get together again.
However, once you see the sign that the conversation is drawing to a close, you ignore it. You both share a heavy pause. Either one is expecting a second wind in the interaction. It doesn't come. You start looking around the room for something to cling onto.
And pretty much right there, the other person blurts, rather awkwardly 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺, 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶. They smile and walk away. Now you are wondering if they'll indeed remember you.
You fell trap to the lingering exit - a supposedly hopeful nebulas of holding someone's interest for juuuuust a little more time.
Here's the thing, you have to be the one to exit the conversation. Read the cue, make a judgement call and confidently assert how it was wonderful talking to them and you can't wait to hear from them again.
You are leaving on a high. You are, in a way, leaving them with the thought 𝘐 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯, 𝘸𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘧 𝘪𝘵'𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.
And with that, you stand out.
If this is true what else is true.
That's a technique used in improv performances to derive details about an enacted character. The richer the details, the better the performers can navigate the improvised performance.
Cut to everyday life: This technique is excellent for small talk. If one thing is true about the person, what else can be true about them??
Example 1
Person: ...the new monorail corridor will ease up a lot of commute hassle.
-- After applying the technique --
You: What else do you hate about living in Mumbai besides traffic?
Example 2
Person: I work in accounting.
-- After applying the technique --
You: Ah, were you always good with numbers?
Example 3
Person: I enjoy all kinds of music.
-- After applying the technique --
You: That tells me you might not be finicky about food. Is it true?
The idea is to subtly pivot from the existing topic by asking questions which help reveal their likes, dislikes, interests and passions.
Because ultimately, that's what will help us connect more.
The underdog.
We always root for the underdog. That’s how so many movie characters are written. That’s how our sportspeople inspire us. Even entrepreneurs.
We see our own struggles in their stories. When they triumph, we believe we can too.
I think that's so because these people gun for their goals.
If focus, determination, risk taking ability, discipline, self-awareness, acceptance of failures are their internal qualities, then confidence, conviction, intensity in their eyes, a winner’s body language are seen externally.
And execution, analyzing, learning, bouncing back are their actions.
If we gunned for our goals this way, the internal and external change that we’d feel and what people see would be noteworthy.
We too would look like the underdog ready to win.
Go say hi.
“Go say hi.
What’s the worst that can happen?”
Me: * Looks around *
* Attempts to regulate breathing *
*Fights motor neuron shutdown *
Me: HaIE!
The nerves needed to say your first word to someone can cripple you.
So what do you do?
You do it anyway. You’ll get better the next time.
And then the next
And the next
And the next
And the..
..until one day, you’ll become the boss of ‘Saying Hi’ confidently to anyone.
Making it comfortable.
Making someone feel comfortable in your presence is vital. It leaves a favorable impression. Besides, it also establishes the tone of the relationship you can potentially build with them.
But we often faulter in how to set that comfort.
What most of us do:
- Being overly polite
- Saying nice things
- Constantly agreeing
What we ought to do:
- Adapting to their energy (active or slow paced)
- Having a warm tone & body language
- Active listening
- Showing vulnerability
Stories deepen conversations.
Small talk can’t go on forever. It needs a caveat.
If you’re interested in building a relationship, a story can be that caveat.
Your story - whether sad or happy or funny gives you a chance to bypass small talk and connect on a deeper level.
With that story you are sharing a truth about you, painting a real life picture of who you are in the mind of this person after you leave.
So always keep a few stories in your backpocket. Tell them over and over to different people. Refine them each time. Leave a mark.
Here are some I always talk about
- A trek where I nearly died
- My bicycle accident that broke my hand
- My burger eating story
- My relationship with my dad
- Some unpleasant dates I’ve been on
- My most agonizing fever day
Spontaneity and the magic of being natural.
Spontaneity = An observant eye + Honest expression x Speed
No one possesses any elite level powers to be spontaneous.
All it takes for you is to warm up your muscles for deep observations of people, your ability to not be scared while talking to them and then doing both, at reasonable speed.
Spontaneity is authentic. You, of course aren’t throwing caution to the wind and letting go of all calculatedness when you converse with someone.
But I swear, spontaneity helps you be fun. Be natural. Be real.
It can be turned on and off at will once you get good at it.
When you are learning how to be spontaneous, you aren’t necessarily learning the skill of it.
But rather you are unlearning how to stop being closed, afraid, agenda-driven, and deadpan beneath which is where your natural spontaneous self is hidden.
Adding humor in conversations.
Humor is a skill that anyone can learn specially in interactions with people.
Having been an improv stage performer, audiences expect comedy and laughter. Over the years, I've learnt to identify potential funny moments (on stage and in real life) and deliver on them through different humor techniques.
One technique is 'Incongruity'. Incongruity basically means to break one's expected pattern of thinking aka. make it incongruous. It feels like a punch when something unexpected is said which is where the term 'punchline' comes from.
Below is an actual interaction I had with a girl at a social event and you'll see how 'incongruity' comes into play here:
I asked the girl What do you do? She said I sell drugs.
I raised my eyebrow Huh? She laughed and clarified I work at a pharma company.
I chuckled.
(She broke my pattern of thinking with an answer that is unusual. The incongruity made it humorous)
She then asked me What do you do? I said I teach social skills using the techniques of improv.
She paused for a moment. Then she said Okay now tell me what do you really do.
I raised my eyebrow again. She laughed. I laughed too.
(She broke my pattern of thinking again)
Shining with your Awkwardness.
We stumble, we fall, we say the wrong thing, we forget, we are at a loss for words and we nervously scan the floor for the next thing to say. It's the rite of passage for every one of us.
Some do it less and some do it more. But we are never free of a potential awkward moment waiting for us right around the corner.
In such instances, all you have to do is realize you are HUMAN.
And if it's any solace, whatever you think is your awkward moment, be assured we've all done it.
The only thing is, we are glad that whatever happened right now didn't happen to us and that it was YOU : )
But remember that YOUR reaction to the awkward moment is how people will react to it as well.
- If you show humiliation, people will feel awkward themselves.
- If you show anger, people will remember it forever.
- If you laugh and take a friendly jab at the whole thing, people will laugh as well and be on your side.
Do the 3rd thing. You’ll shine even when you don’t. You will positively stick in people's minds.
You are owning that awkward moment. You will turn it around and make it work for you. It comes from the improv principle which says - all mistakes are a gift.
The root
of your
charisma.
You don't have to wish for the talent of SRK, or the genius of Ratan Tata, or the grace of a world leader.
Charisma is not necessarily hidden in the worldly smarts, the quick wits or the gift of the gabs.
Charisma is in being unmoved.
It's the way in which you couldn’t care any less about the world trying to influence you, and you do what you believe in and what drives you anyway.
Because in a world where most people get easily swayed, the person who is able to hold their ground, live by their truth, push past against external influence, pressure, judgement or negativity, then tat person begins to radiate differently.
If that person is you, it is going to make you look charismatic. It is going to come across in the way you carry yourself wherever you go. People can't help but notice and listen to a person like that.
Your values, attitude and behaviour of being unmoved will align itself to your words and that will make you a charismatic person to talk to.
Connection by association.
There’s a wonderful technique you can employ to fasten your connections with people. It’s the 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐲 𝐀𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 technique.
Pay attention to the things the other person is saying while speaking with you. They will say some words that are likely to be associated with experiences and incidents in your life.
Broad range words spoken while talking like 𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘵, 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭, 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘺, 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬, etc. should set off your own experiences with them. But as soon as you hear specific words like 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘐𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘺, 𝘔𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘺, 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨, etc., they should set off some direct and indirect incidents from your life, waiting to be told as stories.
You HAVE the stories. Think and keep them at the back of your head and when you hear the associated word, let your story come out.
This is a great opportunity to create rapport. All you have to do is listen, observe and be willing to be open.
Hidden communication (body language).
You are on a date. It’s a noisy place. The girl says something. You couldn’t hear, so you lean in. The second you lean in, she softly flinches.
She does that again when you lean in a few moments later. That’s where you take the hint - She's not 100% sure about you.
People are not going to always say everything. You’re supposed to read it. That’s the hidden communication.
If you are blindly ignoring those hidden messages, you’re missing out on subtle truths people are feeling underneath.
Noticing those hidden messages is something we already can do but have lost practice of. Its all about reading body language. It is a skill that lies buried under the layers of your own distracted and egoistic mind.
In an alternative scene - If the girl flinches and you notice it, you sit back. Continue conversing without leaning in at all. Maybe request her to be louder.
So what you did is you read the signal. You responded to it maturely. And it shows your character in good light.
Guess what, that's going to help leave a good impression.
The right prompts (2)
Everyone wants to be seen and be heard. But we can’t go around constantly divulging things about ourselves to anyone and everyone.
Even to the people we really want to speak to, we fear about whether they will hear and understand us.
Prompts help. Prompts in the form of the right questions.
I’ve realized how important it is to ask questions. They open a window for sharing. But it is a skill. Each question should carry gradual impact.
So the next time someone talks with you, give them prompts. Simple ones.
Ask them about their day.
Ask them why they chose to do something.
Ask them how they keep going.
Ask them what they love doing.
Get seen and heard by helping others get seen and heard.
Break the pattern of speaking.
Words are a wonderful tool to express emotion, to excite, and to persuade.
But like many things, words have a dichotomous nature.
They are also a tool for making excuses, playing cover up to your insecurities and sadly, in sounding just like everyone else.
Break that pattern.
Speak to people as someone who is proud of having lived a life that is their unique own.
Speak to people as someone who carries a twinkle in their eye - like someone who knows they are capable of changing what they don’t like for themselves and others and will have fun through it.
Speak to people as someone who is interested in lending your ear to listen.
Many don’t do this. Many are caught up in themselves, thinking about what they’ll say next, to sound smart and be liked.
Here’s your chance to break that.
Ticking impatience. Go slow.
We walk, talk and decide hastily like we’re gonna miss the train. But everything in life is not a train. Especially in building relations with people. We don’t like being hurried.
Telemarketers don’t get this. They are constantly in Operation Loan Blitzkrieg. ‘𝘕𝘰 𝘔𝘢𝘥𝘢𝘮, 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘢𝘯. 𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘳𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘵.’
People might take action when you nudge them but it has to lead up to it. And as a fellow people, if I want something from someone, I have got to develop patience and the skill of gradual progression.
I find it baffling when someone comes up to me and suggests we work together in the very first minute of our interaction. "𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘶𝘥𝘥𝘺, 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘮𝘱 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘵?"
Similarly, nobody is going to be interested in dating you instantly. They’d actually like it if you kept your patience, tried to learn about them and then made gradual progressions towards dating.
Patience, by default, leads to a relationship. And hopefully, a trusted one.
I don’t know, but maybe if a telemarketer were patient enough to do this and try to build a connection with me, I’d start thinking about why I need a loan.
Be patient. Apply gradual progression. Let people grow onto you.
Be interested rather than interesting.
Me: How are you?
Person: I'm good
Me: How was your weekend?
Person: It was fine.
Me: Did anything fun?
Person: I did something unplanned. It turned out to be fun.
Me: Oh yeah?! Sounds like a cool story to tell.
Person: Haha, it is. So what happened is..
This would be a typical conversation starter I'd have with someone I know or even don't know.
I'm being curious and interested.
There's a self-promotion epidemic we're in. "This is me. I do this. I do that. I've been here, been there. Done this, done that", and it goes on. It reeks of a dire need to impress, lacks listening and any bubbling curiosity.
The adverse effect of talking about yourself and accomplishments is hardly anyone will remember you, and they'll be dying to wrap up the conversation asap.
Be genuinely interested in the other person, listen well, have fun and you will be surprised how the person will come around to wanting to know you and your work and maybe eventually be associated with you.
People seek in you what they lack.
The level of interest people place on interacting with you depends on how you are able to fulfill the thing they lack.
It could be:
- You bring joy because they don't get enough of it.
- You know of a skill they want to learn about.
- You carry graceful confidence which is new for them to experience.
- You have resources / network which they don't.
- You speak with conviction, the kind of clarity they don't see others have in their circles.
- You have bold honesty that they struggle to find in themselves.
- You bring understanding and care which they yearn for.
The reasons can be innumerable. But it does matter what you bring to the table.
So the kind of life you live and present to others is what makes people realize what's missing in their own, and they tend to gravitate towards you.
Its not about 'what' you say but 'how' you say it.
The 'what' part is the info given.
The 'how' part is where they get a glimpse of you.
If you had to say 3 lines about yourself, that'd be simple.
You'd mention your professional experience and hobbies.
But...
What if you said it while looking at the floor?
What if you said it without any pause?
What if you said it while scratching your stomach?
What if you said it with over a 100 'ums' in it?
Each of those will paint a picture of you. People will make decisions about their level of association with you based off of HOW you convey things.
That's why it is important to work on these nuanced areas to stick out in social settings.
What is said vs what is communicated.
What is said and what is communicated are two different things. Knowing this plays a huge role in understanding people better.
You ask, "You okay?"
Colleague says, "I'm fine."
Sure, your colleague said they are fine. But that's just the surface level words. If there is something underneath bothering them, their body language will be communicating it to you.
At moments like these is when you need:
1. The ability to read between the lines
2. The ability to comfortably invite the person to share what's bothering them.
3. The ability to just listen without the need to give advice and 'fix' it
This would certainly help address communication challenges so much sooner.
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